Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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