my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
