he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
