so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Randomize
