Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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