Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
