Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
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