3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
