I wish I could teleport
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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