I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
