I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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