Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
