So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
