what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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