So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
