problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
