She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
