its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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