it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
