He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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