i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
