I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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