Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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