My room smells like vodka and shame
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I AM VODKA MAN
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
