"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
