PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
