I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
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