hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
