Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
