The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
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