Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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