You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize