Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
