So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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