I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
