Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
