This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
