I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
