I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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