My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
