dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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