youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
