Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
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I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
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I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
be right there i have to get my cape
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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