I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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