the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
