I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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