i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
