My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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