cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
