Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
