you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Life is so much better after having sex.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Randomize
