She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
