Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
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