you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
